food bullshit: first date foods

yahoo, it seems, is doing its best to help get this blog off to a running start - they've frontpaged a second very stupid article in as many days. entitled "4 fool-proof date foods", these "foxy" women want to encourage you to show off how amazing your taste is by taking your date out for

a) sushi
b) tapas
c) "pasta"
or
d) moroccan

let's very quickly run down the reasons these are all pathetic ideas

a) sushi is about ten years behind the "adventurous" cutting-edge. it's mall food now, fast food, thoughtless food. and, sad to say, the vast majority of sushi served in the US sucks. cheap rice, listless fish, "spicy" mayo or cream cheese or god knows what else on every gargantuan roll. unless you live in a city with utterly first-rate sushi (oh seattle, i miss you) and are willing to spend at least $150 on your date before drinks or gratuity, don't bother. going out for sushi says "look how wild and crazy i am - can you believe they eat raw fish over there?"

b) "tapas" does not mean what these young women think it means. americans appropriated the word from the spanish because restaurateurs wanted to convince people that they should buy several appetizer portions instead of entrees. customers thought this was a great idea, because it felt like they were eating less. most restaurants in the US that advertise "tapas" offer, relative to the original, gigantic plates of mediocre "spanish" food. the ideal of tapas (or pintxos, which we should rightfully be calling them, as a basque innovation) is a single ingredient at peak flavor, served simply and accompanied by very good cheap red wine or cider (or adjunct-laden shitty spanish beer). going out for "tapas" says "maybe you'll only order a plate or two, and i can try to get you drunk on the house rioja"

c) are there "pasta" restaurants in heartland america? have i missed out on a brave new culinary movement? is ferran adria involved? wait. i think they just mean you should take your date to olive garden. going out for "pasta" says "at least we're not going to wendy's"

d) where in the world do these people think you can reliably find good moroccan food? there hasn't been a meaningful moroccan diaspora to the states, therefore no moroccan restaurants serving food for moroccans, therefore only shitty faux-roccan designed to reassure the skittish american diner that they can eat "brave" "exotic" food and live to tell about it. you want to take your date out for hands-only dining? fine. ethiopian. lao. pakistani. is the clientèle overwhelmingly of that ethnicity? did the server try to dissuade you from ordering something? are you getting stared at by other customers? good. maybe you'll actually impress your date. going out for "moroccan" says "i have no idea where people who aren't white go to eat around here"

thanks, yahoo. glad i got that out of my system.